Sorry…

Something happened tonight which I’m not very happy, or proud about. I could say it’s something that I’ve regretted doing and am slightly ashamed about. This usually happens when I’ve done or said something which has affected someone or people around me and which has cast an unpleasant opinion of me; and most importantly when it’s made me realise that I’m not a nice person after all. Yes, I’m very much affected when people, whom I want to have think well of me, see a side of me which isn’t admirable and which I come to realise isn’t very admirable either.

Okay, what happened had been this. I went to Business Studies class late, and Cikgu L (teacher L) said that I have to make sure I’m on time for the class next Monday as there’ll be a marketing presentation. We’d finished the Marketing topic next week, so I thought someone was going to talk about something that would supplement the lesson. I was like, oh okay, sure. That’s something new, I thought. And I got the hint that it would be by one of our classmates N.

During a short break in the lesson, Cikgu L asked N, one of our classmates about the presentation, and from what I could tell, it seems that he’ll be promoting a vitamin or something that he and his family takes. At this, I raised my hand and asked if the marketing presentation was actually just him trying to sell us something. And Cikgu L nodded and I said straight out that I wasn’t going to come for it. I suppose this begins the part where I have to hang my head in shame about. But I really dislike being promoted products, be it dietary supplements, amazing water filters which make your drinking water alkaline, slimming belts, insurance, you name it. In a way, I suppose, it’s because I’ve heard enough salespeople and promotors talk to the point that I’m able to assess how good they are as promoters. I am usually able to say in my head, oh, this lady could have been more convincing if blah-blah-blah. I’m one of those skeptics out there whom salespeople hate, because I can be really negative and can sour the experience of the people with me; usually what happens after a promoter’s gone, if those I was with expressed interest in the product, and if I thought the product was a waste of money (which is usually most of the time), I’d begin questioning the product, questions which I didn’t bother asking the promoter as I had no wish to really listen to the sales pitch anymore.

I had not meant to be harsh or anything when I’d said I didn’t want to come to the presentation. But I had no wish to be skeptical and ruin my mood by having to listen to a sales pitch during class time, and I especially had no wish to ruin the mood of the presentor by being negative during his sales pitch. But I guess because I’d been so disappointed that the “marketing presentation” wasn’t something I was going to learn from, and that it would be one of those product promotions that I so strongly dislike that I kinda stated my opinions too strongly. -_- Cikgu L had looked surprised when I said that I wasn’t going to be coming and asked why. So I just said, I’ve heard enough of things like that and I just wasn’t interested. And she kinda looked even more flabbergasted, I suppose, so I pushed on, trying to explain myself, said that I know what would be said, how it’d be said, and I didn’t think I’d be a good audience as I could sour it for everyone else who’d be interested. And I said that I’d come after the presentation for the real class.

And well, I guess maybe she’d looked surprised because I’d said all this without giving the person who’d be presenting any thought. And admittedly, I hadn’t given the person any thought other than that I didn’t want to ruin his presentation by being there. The thought of a product promotion just set me going and I said all that without really thinking of anything other than myself and how I didn’t want to waste my time. And Cikgu L probably saw N’s reaction because she said that it was good that I was being honest about my not wanting to come, but perhaps I should have said it later in person, instead of saying it in front of the class cos I might have already influenced some other people. That was when I realised, oh, shit, oops. I’d just soured things for other people when it’d been my intention not to. After which a few of the other students told N that they’d definitely be coming, which made me feel even more of a heel. And I did say sorry, and that was just how I felt, and that no one should take it to heart. But you know, I think they did. I did say sorry to N again after class and he did say that he understood and held out his hand, but when I took it, we didn’t shake, it was just a touch. I attempted to hold his hand but he slid it away the moment we’d touched palms. So yeah, I think it’s safe to say I’d hurt his feelings and he might have said he understood because he’s a nice guy.

The people in my class are great. N is one of the more talkative ones in class, and quite easygoing so everyone likes him. I actually like listening to him talk and being friends with him. I seriously had no intention of hurting his feelings or whatever. And I don’t really know how I want to feel about the fact that I might have alienated myself from the whole class unintentionally because I’ve so strongly showed that I couldn’t be supportive of a fellow classmate, especially one whom everyone likes.

It would have helped my expections a bit if Cikgu L had said that the presentation would be useful for our Business Studies class. And if she’d said that after it, we’d be analysing the presenter and his product and whatnot. If she or N had said we’d analyse his marketing/sales skills and give him constructive comments, I’d have been more than happy to come, and would not have had the chance to put my foot into my mouth. But this just sounds like I’m making excuses for my behaviour, doesn’t it?

I’ve said something opionated regardless of another’s feelings and which has hurt someone and I’m regretting it after the deed is done as is my wont. -_- I wish I’d said it all better, and had avoided unintentionally hurting someone whom I actually like. And more so, I just wish that these people had time to know me better so that they can understand that this is really just one of my bad quirks, and that we should all take it in stride and continue on to be even better friends. (Yes, I’m afraid of losing these people as friends, as they _have_ value to me.)

I guess I’m just trying to justify myself as I don’t know who else I can explain myself to. I’ve apologised, and it’s up to N and everyone else to decide whether it’s just one of my quirks, or I’m just a selfish person. I don’t like being misunderstood, and this is one of those unchangeable occasions where I’ve put my foot in my mouth, and it’s not something that I’m very proud of.

Maybe if I weren’t so confident in my own desires and in myself I’d be less selfish and give more thought before expressing what’s me. But I’m actually an introvert, and it’s only when I’m with people I’m comfortable with that I tend to be the opinionated (and somewhat harsh and unforgiving–and selfish) person that I am. I guess I got too comfortable too fast and forgot my limits.

Anyway, this is one of those memories (experiences?) which will probably bug me for quite a while in my life. I doubt I’ll ever talk about it again, but I do know that I’ll keep thinking about it till I can finally get over it years down the road. I don’t wish to have these regrets, and I’m not proud about them, but I do learn from them.

.

I _am_ really sorry for hurting N. -_- And selfishly, I guess I’m actually more sorry for looking and sounding like such a bitch to everyone else. -_- Being honest, I just don’t want them to dislike me and judge me because of this incident.

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