Surviving

Ergh. I hate my job. Okay, no, the job itself is fine. I hate my boss. Maybe hate is too strong a word, cos at times, she seems like a decent person, though most of the time, she seems like a hellion who likes raising her “children” asian-style: degrading you, making you feel incompetent, comparing you with someone else to show you how lousy your work is, telling you to your face you’re a disappointment… You know, the whole “tough love” kinda shit our “loving” family can give you when in truth, it just makes you feel like you’re never good enough. She’s hard on you when she expects you to be doing better. So in a way, her giving you shit is her showing you she knows you can do a lot better.

But half the time, all it does is make me feel annoyed, frustrated, and most of the time, I can’t even be bothered to really put in any effort at all. Especially when it feels like all the effort, all your attempts are never good enough. Doesn’t help when she keeps changing her mind over what she wants, so one day you’re okay, a couple of weeks down the road, you’re stupid.

I mean, I’m made to feel incompetent just because I don’t draft emails the way she expects them to be drafted. -_- At one point, I even started questioning myself, asking myself if I’ve always been incompetent, but no one told me to my face. -_- Yeah, we’re talking about confidence gained from years of work experience almost being utterly destroyed. *sigh*

She even made me break down and cry over something that was totally unimportant and isn’t even my job to do. (Yeah, so I was feeling shitty as hell that day, and my boss had already made me feel useless because she wouldn’t even let me edit a letter she’d already drafted — all I needed to do was remove and add paragraph breaks! And then she started on me for not doing something totally insignificant properly and wouldn’t even listen when I tried to explain that it wasn’t me, but her who caused the discrepancy — I even had a witness, who didn’t dare to speak up! Ergh. So yeah, I was given shit, and was already feeling like crap, so I just walked out and went to cry in the bathroom. Stupidly, I didn’t cry myself out, and walked out after a bit. But my boss calls me in to show me again that it was my fault the thing wasn’t done properly — when it fucking wasn’t! — and yeah, so I went out again, and locked myself in the bathroom and this time, took ages to cry till I really felt better. Haha. -_- Utterly shitty day, really. Usually, I’d have raised my voice and defended myself, and then kept my mouth and anger restrained till my boss is done berating me. Lol. Yeah, it’s how I manage and deal with her usually. XD

But yeah, nothing I do is right. I can’t contribute meaningfully at my job because I’m “don’t know anything” since I’m new. I can’t raise questions (about my boss’ methods or understanding of certain topcs). I’m expected to follow like sheep and do whatever I’m told to do. It’s hard. I’ve been used to being treated as an equal at work. Where questions and other viewpoints are encouraged and discussed. Currently all I feel half the time is like I’m a secretary or PA.

Definitely wish I could get hired elsewhere, and I know I should be sending out resumes again. But the current market is so depressing, with the local Citibank closing, other international banks also closing or minimising, it’s tough to even be called out for an interview. T_T I tell myself that I just need to stay a year to be able to earn enough to pay the more important portion of my study loan back, and then I can consider other companies (and maybe a lower pay). But I’ll be stuck giving three months’ notice if I stay that long. And considering the competition out there, companies might not want to wait three months to take you in when they might need someone soon. T_T Ergh.

Wish me luck. ToT I’ve been in 3.5 months already. Have raised my voice some times, been told I’m useless a few times, and have only broken down once. Lol. Still doing good I guess. XD

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